Years ago, my husband tried to teach a group of our friends a card game he learned in France. "You need to make sets," he told us. "Just start playing, and if you do something wrong, I'll correct you." It was hopeless. He'd interrupt four out of every five plays we tried to make to explain that we couldn't make a move for this reason or for that. Every time we thought we'd finally gotten it, he'd step in to correct us. It was awful! The only one who had any fun at all was my husband, and even he was so frustrated by the end of the game that we never played again.

I think of that card game often when I hear teachers wonder about how to set limits and expectations with young children.

On the surface, setting limits may appear to stifle children's creativity and spontaneity. The idea of enforcing limits may conjure up images of time-out chairs and tears—disruptions to the kind of community and atmosphere we try to create. As teachers, we want children to get along with each other and to settle into the classroom routines. We want to encourage their exploration and creativity and to see them get involved with the materials and activities we provide for them. We want them to respect and like us. Without clear limits and expectations, however, children experience the reverse of what teachers are aiming for.

When children don't know the unspoken rules and expectations, they need constant redirection, just as my friends and I did during my husband's dreadful card game. Instead of feeling happy and relaxed, anticipating enriching and supportive interactions with the adult, children will become anxious and flighty. The behavior of the more challenging children will escalate to undesirable degrees until a teacher intervenes. Other children may begin to avoid teacher contact, since so much of it has had the negative flavor of "I did something wrong but I don't know what exactly or why." Constant redirection not only causes everyone to lose valuable teaching and bonding time, but it also leaves the child with a taste of frustration or failure. When we set limits, we let children in on the rules of the game. Setting limits is a thoughtful gift and a kindness to children.

When we establish, teach, and enforce clear limits in the classroom, children begin to feel safe and secure. They sense that the grown-up is in charge and they, the children, can relax and be children. Clearly defined limits and expectations help children become organized in the same way that clearly labeled learning centers do. Organization helps children move more comfortably through their classroom day. Relaxed children shift from focusing on finding the limits of behavior to exploring the classroom within the limits. When adults establish themselves as pillars of safety by being clear about their expectations, children begin to turn to and respect adults as the valuable mentors they are.

You probably already have a number of rituals and routines established for your classroom community, and you might have noticed that these portions of the day are the ones that seem to run smoothly, with a minimum of disruption. There may be other times of the day, though, when you find yourself constantly redirecting children. Might the problem be that you are the only one who really understands the rules and expectations during those periods? Here are some hints to get you started toward smoothing out those rough times:

• If you are doing a lot of redirecting during an activity, take a second look to make sure you yourself understand the expectations. If you can't quickly put expectations into words, it is likely the children are unaware of your expectations. For example, let's say the children have been switching seats throughout circle time, which has begun to annoy you. You find yourself constantly needing to remind them to sit crisscross-applesauce and stay quiet for the story, but circle is still disruptive. Instead of allowing the children to continue to move around until it drives you crazy, begin the next circle by explaining your expectations: "When children sit down at circle time, they need to stay in that same seat until circle is over." Remind the children to stay in their seats at the beginning of circle every day for a week or two until the guideline has become habit.
• Don't leave the children guessing. Clearly teach, model, practice, and cue children until they learn the system. Give children positive reflective feedback as they learn the new skills: "John, I saw you put the puzzle back on the shelf when you were done with it. You remembered how we do puzzles here." Post photos of the children following classroom guidelines as positive visual reminders.
• Enforce your limits every time, especially at the beginning, when children are learning exactly what you mean by the new expectation. If the new expectation is "don't change seats at circle," don't let anyone change their seat for any reason at first. Children learn more by seeing and doing than they do by hearing, and this holds true for their trying to learn your expectations. If you tell the children they cannot change seats, then let two children scoot over to see better, children will have a much harder time trying to define exactly what "don't change your seat" means.
• It's okay to establish different levels of expectations for different children. Fair is "equitable," not "equal." Each child's developmental level and cultural background should be kept in mind. For example, while all children might be required to participate in rest time, children who no longer need naps might be allowed to get up after fifteen minutes of rest to use computers or books. Again, make sure the expectation is stated clearly for each group of children.

How can limits and expectations be enforced without stifling children's play and spontaneity? This can be tricky, because without good strategies, children may in fact become frustrated. One way to approach the problem is by first assuming "positive intent" on the part of the child. Begin by making your best guess about what the child is trying to accomplish with the out-of-limit behavior. Then figure out a way the child can get his or her needs met within the limits and guidelines. Teachers have found the following strategies to be helpful:

• Build strong and mutually respectful relationships with children. Doing so is always a first step for any learning. This is especially important when you are working to set limits with a resistant child. When guiding children to respect limits, use a warm, friendly, positive tone. The goal is to reinforce the limit and guide the child. The intent should never be to punish the child.
• Redirect the child to another activity to meet the same goal. For example, a child playing in the sink might be redirected to the water table where water play is okay.

• Add new activities and centers to support the interest. Bring in sheets and boxes to make forts if the children have been trying to use the Big Books to build hideouts.

• Modify or eliminate activities that are not in their current form interesting or stimulating for the children. This may mean adding body movements to the reading of a storybook that is not holding the children's interest.

• Work alongside children to discover their interests and to build curriculum around those interests. You may find that a child is fascinated by jewelry. You might support his or her interest by stocking the craft area with various beads, stringers, clips, cardboard, glitter, markers, and jewelry catalogs to encourage productive use of classroom time.

• Validate children's feelings before redirecting their behavior. For example, if a child resists washing hands before sitting for snack, you might say, "You must be so hungry, you wish you could eat right now,"—this validates the child's feelings of urgent hunger. "Come, let's wash hands real quick so we can sit down to eat and fill that tummy,"—this gently guides the child to meet the expectations.

Establishing, teaching, and reinforcing limits and expectations may appear to be a daunting task at first. It may seem easier, sometimes, to just go with the flow and worry about problems when they arise. In the end, though, we all have fun only when we are all playing by the same set of rules.

Jenna Bilmes works as a mental health specialist with Southwest Human Development Center in Phoenix, AZ. As a consultant for the U.S. Department of Defense Dependent Schools and Sonoma State University, she develops teacher manuals for social and emotional education. Her new book Beyond Behavior Management: The Six Life Skills Children Need to Thrive in Today’s World, is available from Redleaf Press.